A new year dawns upon us with new challenges. A time of new beginnings for me.God can't pour new wine into old wineskins and its time for renewal. I have been wrongly as well as severely judged by those whom I loved and cared for. There has been a betrayal of trust from one who declares to love me and from those who call themselves "friends". I have been the subject of gossip in the circle of those whom I have prayed, fasted and walked their painful journeys with as they battled against death, against unemployment and many other troubles known only to God.

I lived on bitterness and hatred for about a month. All through me flowed poisoned blood until I heard a beautiful message on forgiveness yesterday. Today, I spent my entire morning in the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit who did not judge but embraced me.I have been crying an awful amount since Christmas because of all the hurts levied at me. Today, I cried because I felt His presence for the first time in a long time and it was continuous.I have grieved Him but He has taken me back despite the fact that I stood before Him a sinner.  Nothing else matters when you know you have the one who truly loves you.

Mother Theresa once said that if you want to love then you must learn how to forgive. It doesn't change the past or minimize the severity of the offence. Often I have been advised to overlook the offence, to forget, to overcome by the blood of the lamb but nobody taught me that the pain is real, that it takes a long time to heal when the hurt is unbearably painful, that boundaries must be drawn to protect oneself, that forgiveness is not about forgetting about the offence but it is about moving forward and leaving the past behind to the greater purpose that God has for all of us. Forgiveness isn't resuming a relationship without genuine repentance either.Man cannot force a healing process to take place, it is an act of grace just as forgiveness is.

Forgiveness is a choice one makes in life based on one's value judgements. My relationship with God comes first in my life and it has always been that way since I knew Him but in the last few months I have allowed hurts to destroy that intimacy I had with Him.I began to wallow in self pity, complaining to God that I have sacrificed so much for this person and that person, done this and that for so many to receive only betrayal. It didn't get me anywhere and I just became more miserable, very unlike the abundant life God gave me!Once I turned my eyes towards eternity, these temporal things meant nothing to me. I work solely for God and all things I did were for Him and for His glory. Whose recognition am I seeking? Aren't my doings meant to be acts of love for God and his people? A humbling lesson but much needed!

This is my desire for 2008- I will live my life without any fears, with an understanding of what is most important to me, for what I stand for and to live according to His word and His direction alone! I lost my purpose and destiny because I lost my vision, my direction as I began to please man, getting involved in ministries that God had not called me for, becoming disillusioned in the process and becoming bitter through resentment I have for those who have betrayed me. I am returning to God's original purpose in my life as I do not want the winds of life to take control of my life but I do desire to have Him as the wind beneath my wings.

So, for all those who have caused me hurt, I forgive them as God has forgiven me. That's liberating! Why hold myself captive when Christ has come to set me free and I am free indeed! God bless you all!!!